What are we talking about??
CONSENT!! (I used sanctions because alliteration, duh.)
I don’t know about you guys, but growing up, I always heard “no means no.” Which yeah, no means no, but the absence of no does not mean yes! By that standard, if someone is unconscious, if someone is coerced, if someone is disabled and can’t speak, those are all a-okay. Which is crazy!
Consent must be explicit, enthusiastic, voluntary, and ongoing.
Consent must be explicit whether through OBVIOUS body language like putting some hands in pants or through an affirmative statement like “I love it when you do that.” You cannot assume consent for any reason. Consent must be given enthusiastically by both parties. If someone is hesitant or unsure, do you really want to do something that may make them uncomfortable? That wouldn’t be any fun for either of you. Consent must be given voluntarily. If you coerce, manipulate, or pressure someone, even if they eventually say yes, that is not consent. If you hold a position of power over someone, such as if you’re their boss, they cannot consent. And two big ones:
YOU MUST GET CONSENT EVERY TIME.
YOU CAN WITHDRAW CONSENT AT ANY TIME.
You could be married for 5 million years and you’d still need to make sure your partner is into it, and if in the middle of doing it your boyfriend is like, “Let’s go make a frozen pizza,” you stop and go chow down on some frozen pizza.
Remember, you never owe anyone sex or any sexual activity. It doesn’t matter if they’re your girlfriend or your husband or if met them on Tinder specifically for a hook up or if you promised them three weeks ago you’d have sex on this night. It doesn’t matter if it’s your freaking wedding night. No one ever owes anyone any sexy time.
And don’t worry, consent can be sexy!! Try telling your partner in detail everything you want to do to them and then at the end ask if that sounds good to them. Consent? Check! Hot? Check! Or when you’re switching things up say, in your sexiest voice, “How does that feel [insert pet-name of choice or real name]?” Orrr even turn it into a hot game! You- “If you want me to do [insert sexual act here] to you, roll over onto your back for me.” But make sure it’s something obvious! Don’t be that person that’s like “For me to sex ya real hard, blink.” That doesn’t count, and you’re lame.
If you’re planning on doing some cool crazy stuff with safe-words, still get consent beforehand and know the safe-words and respect them.
Remember yes means yes!
PS Sorry about the intense The Why of Sexscipades post. I feel like some background was needed as to why I’m so very passionate and positive about all things SEX (especially consent)! Since that experience, I’ve began using what happened to me to teach and support other. One of my major points is to try and change people’s mindset about sex, so it becomes less taboo and more normal to discuss. That way people actually talk about it and hopefully evoke change!!